One night in Could, as I returned from certainly one of my faculty lessons, I picked up a chunk of paper from the ground in entrance of my gate. I sat on the skinny mattress in my cell and examined it, hoping that it bore some sort of excellent news.
It was a memorandum from New York’s corrections commissioner, Daniel Martuscello III, asking the state’s incarcerated folks to watch seven days of peace in honor of the fiftieth anniversary of the Alternate options to Violence (ATV) program. This now-international effort started in New York’s Inexperienced Haven Correctional Facility within the aftermath of the 1971 Attica revolt.
ATV provides modules reminiscent of battle decision, anger administration and trauma resilience. It’s a voluntary different to packages reminiscent of Aggression Substitute Coaching, which the corrections division mandates for some folks convicted of violent crimes.
As I learn by the memo, I thought of how tough it might be for some to comply with. Nonviolence doesn’t simply occur. Brutality is etched into jail tradition, and lots of see violence as a mandatory software of survival. And for folks like me, who actively follow nonviolence, the trail to a comparatively peaceable life is filled with harrowing steps that no prison-mandated program can put together you for.
My path to nonviolence really started at Attica. I used to be despatched there in Could 2018 to serve 19 years to life for a homicide I dedicated as a youngster. My time in county jails had been harmful, however this most safety jail in Western New York was totally different. The officers stood guard in hallways with batons on the prepared. The solidarity between prisoners that existed in the course of the revolt was lengthy gone. Within the yard, prisoners remained segregated at concrete tables by race, faith, hometown or gang affiliation.
Inside my first couple of days, tensions boiled over. As I lay staring on the ceiling, I heard the distinct ring of an alarm after which a voice booming over a loudspeaker within the yard: “All people on the wall! Cease preventing and get on the bottom!”
I jumped off the bed, and thru my window going through the yard, I watched a person pummel one other prisoner on the bottom. The common skilled boxing spherical is three minutes. Dozens of punches are thrown and extreme damage can happen. This struggle lasted for what felt like 5 minutes.
Lastly, officers walked slowly towards the battle, screamed for the attacker to cease and hauled him off in handcuffs. I’d seen numerous fights in my life and had been part of greater than I may keep in mind. Nonetheless, this was the longest beating I had ever witnessed.
I used to be at Attica for a bit of over 3 1/2 years, and violent conditions have been the norm. Typically it was an all-out brawl between totally different factions. Different occasions it was slashings and stabbings. Whereas I hadn’t been concerned in a bodily battle in years, I started to really feel numb to the chaos round me.
In April 2021, I regressed to my previous, damaging methods. On the time, I used to be a porter on my unit, and my duties included sweeping, mopping and passing out scorching water for the reason that cells solely had a cold-water faucet. Often, I’d additionally ship meals trays to males who have been sentenced to keeplock — that means they have been confined to their cells for a disciplinary infraction.
A fellow porter was speaking on the cellphone and requested if I may ship the trays. Begrudgingly, I mentioned sure. As I made my means down a protracted hall with cells on either side, a person with whom I had every day, nonconfrontational interactions stopped me. We disagreed about one thing — I can’t keep in mind what — and inside seconds, it escalated right into a tense trade of phrases. Immediately, he swung by the small opening of his cell gate and struck me. Moments later, oblivious to the confrontation, an officer opened his cell door and we have been buying and selling blows on the tier.
This struggle wasn’t so long as the primary one I’d seen at Attica, but it surely felt prefer it. The bout ended with the acquainted ring of the alarm and the footsteps of officers speeding towards the unit. As soon as they arrived, they ordered us on the ground and — fortunately — we each obliged.
I used to be positioned in my cell on keeplock for 10 days, till it was time to go to a disciplinary listening to. I keep in mind emailing my girlfriend on the time and dreading her response. She advised my mom in regards to the struggle and so they have been each immensely harm and dissatisfied.
I felt ashamed. I felt like an animal. I used to be 28 years previous and had been behind bars for practically 4 1/2 years, just for this struggle to take me again to a time after I expressed troubled feelings by violence.
When I used to be younger, I by no means had an outlet to precise my emotions. My household was round, however I felt like they have been too busy with work and different tasks. As a substitute of in search of their help, I turned to the streets of Queens, New York. Years earlier than I may develop facial hair or receive a driver’s allow, I used to be resorting to acts of pressure.
In November of 2008, a number of months after I turned 16, I took a good darker flip. Whereas hanging out with a good friend, I utterly misplaced management over my feelings. With out eager about how my actions would have an effect on so many lives, I murdered her. Utilizing DNA proof, police discovered and arrested me in 2016. I used to be convicted two years later and landed in Attica.
Earlier than my struggle, I didn’t handle my previous the way in which I ought to have. Though I had been staying out of hassle up till that time, I wasn’t doing sufficient. While you develop up in a tradition of violence, that doesn’t simply disappear. We, as prisoners, should take energetic steps towards rehabilitation.
So whereas I used to be awaiting my disciplinary listening to, I mirrored on the folks I had harm by my actions. I made an oath by no means to commit violence once more except it was in self-defense. I’d take time to consider the implications every time I used to be confronted with a heated scenario. My Muslim religion echoed this message and helped me to totally decide to nonviolence. I additionally started journaling to assist me uncover the basis reason for my anger.
At my disciplinary listening to, I used to be notified that my infraction can be tossed out on some technicality. Just a few days later, whereas I used to be working within the mess corridor for Ramadan, officers escorted me again to my cell with out rationalization. And a couple of week later, after returning to keeplock for refusing to check in to protecting custody, I used to be moved to involuntary protecting custody. That meant my departure from Attica was imminent.
In the course of the time I used to be secluded from the remainder of the final inhabitants, I couldn’t cease eager about my good friend’s household and the grief that they needed to endure due to me. Though I made a press release after I was sentenced, I felt like my phrases lacked actual emotion. To be able to transfer ahead with my very own rehabilitation, I wanted to sincerely apologize for my actions. I sat for hours on my mattress and drafted a letter. No phrases may ever absolve me, however I wished her household to know that I took full duty for taking their liked one away from them. I’m not certain in the event that they ever acquired it.
Since leaving Attica in December 2021, I’ve seen a lot much less violence. In Sullivan, a most safety jail that was closed final yr, I noticed very uncommon situations of aggression. I remained there for practically three years till I used to be transferred to my present facility, Shawangunk, in September 2024. I’ve but to see any violent altercations.
Extra importantly, I’ve stored my oath of nonviolence. On daily basis, I feel again to the individual that I was and try for one thing higher. I can not change my previous however with continued work, I can forge a greater future. I owe it to the folks I’ve harm. I owe it to the individuals who love me. I owe it to myself.
Rashon Venable is a broadcast poet and essayist. He’s at present incarcerated at Shawangunk Correctional Facility in Ulster County, New York. At Sullivan Correctional Facility, which closed in 2024, Venable was a frontrunner within the Muslim group and he served as a coordinator for Prisoners for AIDS Counseling and Schooling.
The New York State Division of Corrections and Group Supervision’s Public Info Workplace was unable to verify the disciplinary motion — particularly the length of his keeplock and end result of his disciplinary listening to — ensuing from the altercation Venable describes in April 2021. The workplace said that data wanted to be obtained by a Freedom of Info Regulation request, which was filed however stays pending at publication time.
